Life for most people is linear. It progresses and grows always moving forward. My life had become cyclical and stagnate. I was living and trying to manage and control the cycles (sprees as I now know them) of my sex addicted loved one. The spree would start, and I would be miserable, heartbroken not knowing how to stop it from happening. I would cry, beg, yell and plea in effort to make it stop. With each spree, I become more miserable and desperate. I was cycling downward and couldn’t see an end to it. I came to realize I didn’t want to live like this anymore; I didn’t want to live at all.
I reached out for help to a counselor who listened to my situation. She suggested that I might be co-dependent and recommended S-anon. A 12-step program I was unfamiliar with, but willing to try. I was completely hopeless and desperate for answers. What was happening to me? At this point, I had nothing to lose. I called into the Sunday Night S-anon Big Book study and listened. I was amazed at what I heard. There were other people who had once felt the way I did, no self-worth, helpless against someone else’s behavior and completely broken.
After 3 months of listening, I finally got the nerve to leave my contact information. People from the call reached out to me. I understood that I wasn’t alone in my situation and in that moment, I had hope. I was nervous to reach out and ask for a sponsor. I wasn’t sure how this program worked, but I knew I needed help. Desperation gave me the courage to pick up the phone and ask someone to be my sponsor. I am so grateful that I did. My sponsor patiently and lovingly walked me through the 12 steps. I began to understand that my loved one’s cycles were not my problem. I had no control over them or my abnormal response to them. If I was to recover, I had to work the steps for me. Accepting this as my reality and getting honest with myself about my own obsessions and my need for control was an integral piece to my own recovery.
Working the steps with a recovered sponsor has provided me with the tools needed to live a happy, joyous, and free life. My self-worth and happiness are no longer dependent upon someone else’s approval or behavior. I find my strength and worth in my Higher Power. I am defined by my loving Creator and am guided and reliant upon that love, comfort and understanding each day. Today, my life is linear, moving forward in ways I never could have imagined. It’s a new design for living.
I am so grateful I found this new way of life!